So here's the thing, I had a decision to make about which book needed to be written first. I have all the materials for the 2nd in the Tugboat series, and a lot of it done in a first draft. And while I have some interest in the first book, it has not sold yet, which I am assured by at least one reputable editor and another pony book author, is due to the economy, and that it will be swooped up soon.I also have the non-fiction random and fun pony fact book which I was writing primarily because I can do it blindfolded with very little effort (compared to the three years it took me to complete the first Tugboat book), and because it was suggested to me that it would help build my "platform" to launch the Tugboat series from.
But then there is The Other Book. The one that keeps nagging at me, but the one I am afraid to write. That is the book based on this blog, that needs to be done before I will really be able to put the trauma of this year behind me. But it also needs to be done because there is a deeper truth to our story which has not yet been unveiled, a truth that makes the story even more valuable, more heart breaking, and more victorious than most people know.
No, I am not going to tell you what that truth is.
I have been afraid to write that book because there are several weeks of this blog that I have not yet been able to go back and read without breaking down. I am still tormented by visions of Parker laying with his body opened up on his hospital bed, attached to a jungle of machines that were keeping him alive. I am tormented by things that were said to me about his chances for survival, and things I overheard being said about him.
When these memories pop into my head I force them away and refuse to allow them to break me down. But I am also stuck. Emotionally, I am frozen in place and know that I will not sleep through the night again, I will not feel safe, and I will not experience the full scope of joy due because my son lived, I will not have any of those things until I face my own fears.
Courage is the resistance of fear, the mastery of fear, not the absence of fear itself.
My dear, sweet friend Elizabeth, who grew into an adult while I was away, told me I needed to write this book now. She sent me a private message which said, in part: "I feel that your writing is so captivating and interesting, that an adult audience would really take hold of it. It's true. It really happened. I'm not trying to diss Tugs, but I can see you becoming an author that gets their book on Oprah's book of the month club. It's really powerful, and you've already got a ton of it written."
How could I not take this sage advice from my 16 year old friend and former student?
So I am going to take a deep breath and plunge in. And if the publishing Gods smile on me and the first Tugboat book is swooped up as promised, well I can always take a break from this book and do whatever work is required to get the Tugboat series moving forward. I am prepared to dig in with everything I've got.
As far as this blog, well, this blog is like an old friend and a cup of hot cocoa. It got me through many months of crazy, and I am hoping it will get me through many months more. I don't know how often I will write, but if I need to vent, or cry, or visit an old friend and cry on a shoulder, this is where you will find me. The fear of writing this book taunts me, and suggests reliving everything may send me over the edge, and I might never come back. Elizabeth assures me I have the strength to do it, so I will, with a little help from my friends.
I am also going to encourage Parker to write on this blog as he continues on his journey toward complete wellness. He has a lot to process himself, a lot of emotional and physical work to do. He told me the other day that every time he takes off his shirt he is reminded of what almost happened to him. And it makes him cry.
So stick with me friends. I'm goin' in!
