It Was All Fake

I walked a different way this morning with the dogs and was so entranced by the scenery, I was glad I took my camera along. The photo here shows the corner of a pasture that must have been home to some fat ponies once upon a time, because at the top of the hill is a metal horse gate, and in one of the corners is a small old fashioned, two stall barn with Dutch doors. I love Dutch doors. It was a barn almost exactly like that in Connecticut where I had my first "real" kiss. I love that little barn and will walk that way again tomorrow.

I have been taking the hundreds of emails I sent and received over the first three days that Parker was in Critical Care, sorting through them and putting them in proper order for the book. With each one that I read, I remembered more of all the things that happened. Somethings surprise me. Like I remember one nurse in ICU who shall remain nameless because she was so nasty. Plastic nasty. Fake smiles. Rolling her eyes nasty..... ugh. But I didn't remember that she was the nurse on day two, I thought she was more like week two. I guess the fact that I was in such shock kept me from telling her to give up the attitude, because I certainly spoke my mind a lot as the days went on.

Anyway, the thing that surprised me the most was the tone of my own emails. If I were the reader of those emails I would have thought wow! She is in such control! She is so strong! Indeed, I sound focused, and completely in control of my emotions, not falling apart, able to write about things other than the fact that my son was in the other room possibly dying.... I surprised myself. But guess what? It was all fake. I just didn't realize how good a faker I was. I was totally and completely falling apart. There was a burning sensation in my heart that comes back even at this minute, while I am merely remembering it. My insides shook, my legs quivered when I walked, I threw up constantly, and felt as though the skin on my face was the only thing holding back so many tears I was afraid to let loose in case I never returned from crazy. I still have that fear.

Anyway, so that's the truth. I think it is probably those emails and my blog posts were the best thing I had to keep me sane during those very dark, horrific days. And I am glad, in the end, that my true feelings were not exposed as I thought they were. But I also wonder if someone who read them might have thought I was emotionless? I hope not.

Through the Tunnel

I feel better about things since my visit to Austin. I had been gone 6 weeks and it was the right thing for me to do, to go back to the "scene of the crime." It made me see that I had started to push my way through the tunnel. Like there would actually be a "normal" in our lives again.

Yesterday I set a timer for 2 1/2 hours, during which time I wrote about the darkest days of Parker's journey. April 14th, 2009. I only got through 3/4th's of the day, but today I am gearing up to revisit and write about the rest of that day. It was hard, and I was surprised that I felt that same horrible burning pain in my chest that stayed with me all those days when his life was termed "imminently critical."

Before I started I propped up the prayer book for parents that the stranger on the plane gave me way back in April, and lit three candles, one for each of us in our little family. I did this because I ran into Nurse Nancy in the parking lot of the hospital and told her I was struggling, trying to get to the writing of this book. She said, "Well then, light a candle for it." Silly me. So I did. Nurse Nancy practices Native American spiritual traditions and I think she knows what she is doing.

But every time I started to cry, or felt like I was going to throw up while writing yesterday, I stopped for a moment and looked at the candles and the book, closed my eyes and said a little prayer. Somehow I got the energy to push forward again. Thank you God for continuing to be there for me. For us.

Today the sun is shining and on our walk it felt like a true autumn day. The deer teased the dogs, running away with their white tails flying. My hands are raw from holding their leashes. But it was nice. Nature is nice to start a day when I know I'm going back into the dark place, even if just for a few hours.

No more procrastinating, I'm going in now.