Not Funny Ha-Ha

It's funny, that thing called Hope. Not funny ha-ha, but funny in the way we hold onto it just to experience the euphoria it brings.

Like when I buy a lottery ticket. I know exactly when the numbers are drawn for the Mega-Millions. You learn things like that when you are sitting in a hospital for four months. But on the occasions when I buy a ticket, I don't rush to my computer to check the numbers at 11:01pm. I don't really want to know, because so long as I don't know, I still have hope.

The reality is I know I'm not going to win, so what I am buying isn't really a chance at the $175 million that screams at me from the billboards above the highways. What I am paying for is a little bit of hope. A day or two of dreaming, checking out of reality. And so sometimes I go two weeks before I check the numbers, because I want to coast for a while.

Today I had my hopes dashed about something I had begun to count on. Not the lottery, and no, nothing to do with the book or Parker's health. Something else that now makes me know I have to re-think my life going forward. Maybe my brother Jamie was right. Maybe the Universe is pushing me in a different direction. Maybe what I was hoping for isn't what is supposed to happen after all.

The funny thing about hope is that it is always there for the taking. If I check my numbers and didn't win, I can just go buy another $1 lottery ticket and let hope seep back into my heart. If what I was expecting to happen doesn't, I can change my plans and hope for something else.

However I use it, hope helps me soar to impossible heights, if even for a moment or two.


P.S. Couldn't resist adding this photo of Quinn, who continues to fill our days with joy.

It's All About The People

I never would have made it through this horrific journey without people. As much as I may have thought I was an island before Parker got ill, what I have leaned is this: to really get through the night, it's all about the people.


Parker and I went to visit my friends who live out west of Austin today. I thanked them for always being there for me, and for their quiet, constant support. Throughout the last five months their home has been open to me whenever I needed it. Although I only got out there for two very short visits, I knew, if I needed to, I could walk through their door, drop my suitcase on the floor, and take a nap on their couch for three days. They wouldn't have blinked an eye. And these are friends I hadn't seen for 30 years. Forever friends.


Another good friend sent this poem to Parker yesterday. It is simple gestures like this that stayed with us, gave us courage, and helped keep us strong. Thank you.



Invictus

Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

William Ernest Henley

Thanksgiving

Today is a day of celebration.

Four months ago today the critical care doctors in the ICU told me we were losing Parker. There was nothing else they could do, everything was failing.... I'll never forget the pinched look on Dr. Morrison's face when he said it, knowing he was serving up the worst kind of sentence any mother can bear. The loss of a child.

I prayed that day like I have never prayed before. I am not Catholic, but my sister-in-law emailed me a copy of a prayer to St. Jude, the Saint of Lost Causes. She had used it before herself. I kept that prayer up on my computer screen all day, praying, pushing the tormenting, horrific thoughts from my mind ... thoughts like what would I be doing four months down the road if Parker died? Pushing those thoughts out of my head was some of the hardest work I have ever done in my life.

I prayed for Parker to hold on until his brother, James, arrived that night. Somehow I knew if he could hold on, if he could hear his brother's voice, it would make a difference. If Parker knew we were all there, gathered around him, he might do the impossible. He might live.

And I'll be darned. He did. He lived.

And so today we are celebrating. How? Well this morning we did a very ordinary thing. We took his new dog, Quinn, for a vet check up. She passed with flying colors. Then we did another ordinary thing. We came home, made lunch, watched tennis on tv, and took naps. We are not going to the fitness center today because just the trip to the vet's office sapped every bit of energy Parker had.

But later we will go pick up his medicine at the pharmacy, and I am cooking a Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey, low fat stuffing, cranberries, the works ~ new diet style. And at the end of the day, I will hug my big grown up son, I will call my other grown up son, tell them both how much I love them, and then I will sleep well, thanking God for His gift.

How will you celebrate this day?

One Month To The Day

This morning Parker took Quinn out for her morning exercise and she taught him how to play with the words she knows. When he first threw the little rope toy for her she would retrieve it, but would argue with him about giving it back, as you can see in the photo.

Parker kept saying, Let go, Quinn! Let go! which only made Quinn pull harder. But the second he said, Drop! she let go and turned, waiting for him to throw it for her. She retrieved it, brought it back, and waited for him to repeat the correct command before giving it back to him.

I told you she was a smart dog, and apparently she thinks she is smarter than us!

After she ran and jumped and fetched and ran some more for about ten minutes, she told parker she was done by dropping the rope toy at his feet and plopping herself down on the ground. Done! There was no more play to be had.

Quinn slept at home while Parker and I went to the fitness center for his daily work out. One month to the day after he left the hospital, he is now up to 10 minutes and 2 miles on the bike with low resistance. It is hard, and the walk back in the 104 degree heat up and down the little hills was harder, but worth it. But he is making slow, steady progress and has initiated solo trips out in the car many times. Although now his solo trips include Quinn riding shotgun.

Later, when Parker took a nap, Quinn decided enough was enough, time to rise and shine and play again! I walked past his door several times to see her sitting at the foot of his bed staring at him, trying to silently will him awake. Silly Quinn, she doesn't know Parker very well yet. But she soon took matters in her own hands/paws.

Wake up Parker! It's time to play!

Parker slept all the way through the night last night. About 3:am I woke up and stuck my head in his door to check on him (I know, it's a Mom thing, what can I say?). Parker was fast asleep and Quinn was sleeping with her head laying across his arm. I wished I'd had my camera then!

Meet Quinn

Quinn (formerly known as Xena) arrived today for our trial. Although I am guessing there will be no trial needed. I'm not kidding, she came in the house today, went to Parker to be petted, and settled herself right down by his feet as if she belonged here already. And she is exactly what Parker had hoped she would be, to the point where he told the rescue/trainer guy it was a little spooky. This whole process has been a little like Match.com for dogs and humans.

Once Parker found out today she was coming for the trial, he was at once elated, said he felt a huge sense of calm come over him, and got as nervous as a new father. Then we had to clean house, so everything was perfect when she arrived. Maybe he should have named her Princess.

Already I can sense a change in him. It is a known fact that a dog in your life reduces all kinds of ailments of the heart, including your stress level. Quinn could not have come at a better time. She is so polite ~ and truthfully, with two golden retrievers at home, we're not really sure what to do with a "polite" dog! Quinn has been thoroughly trained, knows everything from sit, stay, go back and come, to find the toy, crate, place (meaning go to your spot), hi-5's, shake hands and much more. And, she'll retrieve a stick all day long if you will keep throwing it for her.

More later. Just wanted to post that she is here and appears to be the perfect dog for Parker. She is much smaller than the golden girls back home (about 35 lbs as compared to Scout and peach who are 75-80 lbs!), is very feminine and loving, excellent on the leash, hasn't made one move toward the trash or dirty socks, and sits at Parker's feet waiting for him to tell her where they are going next.

Does this Mom's heart good to know I will be leaving him in such good hands. Or paws I supposed...

Companionship

After much consideration and thought, Parker has decided it is time for him to have a dog in his life again. This is a HUGE relief to me to know he will have a companion when I go home, and he says it will fill a big void in his life that happened when he left Scout with me in Maryland. We have always discussed sending Scout down here to live with Parker once he got settled in an apartment of his own, but after being here this summer I know Scout would not do well in this heat, so that is no longer an option.

Yesterday we went to a shelter in Bastrop. Ugh. So sad, so hard. Although I could tell the people who worked there really did like the dogs, and they knew their personalities, it is still a high-kill facility and it was really hard to leave without a dog. However, the dog we went to look at had no interest in us what so ever, so we left empty handed. It has to be just the right dog. the dog who needs and wants Parker as much as visa-versa.

Three of these photos are the rescues he is considering. The top is a smaller Aussie mix. We watched a video of her retrieving a stick for her foster owner. Like Scout, so long as they threw the stick, she went for it and brought it back. She also has that same kind of "duhhhh" look about her that Scout does, which is why the picture of Scout is right below her.

The second photo is a small husky mix who was rescued from the shelter here with a broken front leg. He's had surgery and is now mending well, but needs a quiet, low key home with someone who will take him for rides in the car.


The bottom photo is a female golden mix, small, who apparently was rescued from an abusive home because they said she is a little shy with strangers. She is very quiet also, and has that golden retriever "What do you want me to do next" look and attitude about her.

Austin has tons of dog parks (and a surprising number of dog rescue organizations ~ with a huge amount of unwanted pit bull mixes.... so sad) and many of the dog parks are near the river. There is a strong dog-lover community in Parker's apartment complex, too, and his apartment is across the driveway from a grassy, tree filled area where people take their dogs to play while they cook out on the grills. we've seen so many different kinds of dogs, from labs and great danes to chihuahuas and bulldogs.

For the first time since we got home, Parker slept through the night last night. I think he slept for 7 hours straight. Can't help but wonder if the idea of having a companion dog is helping him settle in his mind a little bit.