Survivor

I should have known I am too old to live in an apartment with 3 college kids, one loud cat and a dog who is apparently not house trained, even just for 72 hours.

Parker's roomies have no sense of courtesy. 4:05am this morning they were STILL going from bedroom to kitchen and back, yelling to each other about who ate the last of the pizza and why'd the dog get into the trash. At 4:05am thank you very much. Then something made me sick. Every time I threw up I thought of Parker and told myself to toughen up. I'm pretty sure I am over my fear of throwing up.

Other than allowing myself the luxury of laying in bed all morning, clicker in hand, watching a really good tennis match at the French Open, I was pretty miserable over there. Since John is staying at the hospital anyway, I came back to the room at the League House for the rest of my "vacation."

Parker had a rough afternoon yesterday, and even worse night, and the worst morning in a long time. They had the short N. nurse last night, the spazzed out woman who tried to stop Dr. Morrison from taking him to surgery until she could give him a bath. I told John to watch out for her, to be sure she didn't get near Parker. He found out why when Parker threw up all night and was choking on the stuff he'd aspirated through his trach and she wanted to measure his urine output while John was trying to clean out the trach so he could breathe. Then she was stupid enough to ask John how she measures the urine, was it this number or that one? What a dumb*%&#.....

His pain level had become unmanageable, and this morning one of our favorites, Nurse Sherrie, discovered that the iv line for the Dilauded had a leak in it. No telling how long it had been that he'd actually had any pain medicine, but it apparently had been like that all night. We love Sherrie. She rode with Parker in the ambulance the day he had to go to Round Rock for the CT scan, the day he went into shock and had to have his first surgery. He still remembers how she held his hand and let him lean against her in the ambulance.

On top of the pain, his digestive system is still fighting him, and when Lindsey came for Physical Therapy today it was a nightmare. The doctor came in and said something about the NG tube and both Parker and John burst into tears .... Parker will do anything to not have that NG tube put back in because he thinks they will tell him he can't have water. The doctor re-read all the notes and discovered the problem with the pain meds, and also saw that Parker has been able to get some things past the ileus, so she changed her mind and upped his meds again to give him comfort. Whew! Saved by the diligence of a thorough nurse and a compassionate doctor who took the time to find out what other reasons might still be making him throw up.

His belly is huge, swollen from the ileus and gas and water that is accumulating on his abdomen. They've put him back on Lasix and upped his iv fluids, too, in an attempt to get it all straight. I haven't seen the kidney doctor for days, but Parker's BP is also higher than normal again, probably from the fluid retention.

When I got there today to deliver his lime and cranberry juice, he was working with the OT guy, Eric. Even with all the pain he'd been in, all the throwing up and diarrhea, Parker still wanted to stand, wanted to walk, and tried his darnedest to get to the chair, but couldn't because he was so exhausted. Eric told me he was really impressed with him, after everything he'd been through over the last 24 hours that he was still pushing himself.

Then the wound care guy showed up to change out the wound vac. That always causes Parker more pain (if I thought you had the stomach for it I'd show you a picture) and he hates having it done. But Parker is having company tomorrow. His aunt and two cousins are coming to see him and he is so excited about it he doesn't want to be in pain or miss out on any of the visit. So when the wound care guy offered to come back tomorrow because of how difficult the last 24 hours had been, Parker said no, let's get it done now, get it out of the way.

I already hurt, might as well get it over with so I can see my family tomorrow when they come.

I was mighty proud of that boy. Eric, the OT guy, was standing outside the room with me when we heard Parker say that. I looked at Eric who shook his head and said,

It doesn't surprise me, Parker is an inspiration to all of us in Physical and Occupational Therapy. He's got more pain, but also more courage than all the other patients on this floor put together.

That, Parker, is why you will walk out of this hospital someday on your own two feet! You're tough, a survivor, like the bison in the photo.

My Boys

I miss my boys.

72 Hours!

I have 72 hours to call my own. Wooo-Hoooo!!! John is here for a few days and is staying at the hospital with Parker. I slept at the room in the League House last night for the first time in almost a month. It was weird and I wasn't sure how to sleep on a real bed anymore.

After checking in this morning and talking to the doctors a bit, I am now at Parker's apartment with big plans between now and Sunday morning. I am going to: research agents; edit some more of the book; sleep through the night THREE TIMES; watch the French Open; have a bubble bath; eat chocolate (oh darn! I forgot the chocolate!!!); visit a friend; sleep some more; edit some more; watch the Belmont for a lot of hours on Saturday afternoon; and with any luck.... NOT worry!

Parker is moving forward with great progress. Little concerns about his edema and the amount that has swollen his abdomen even more, but they gave him a little bit of Lasix yesterday and might again today. The concern is that his blood pressure is up slightly as a result. But I am trying not to think about it.

I had an email from a friend yesterday who told me James had expressed concern for my welfare, for the fact that I live in that hospital room and sleep in the chair and don't eat well. I love him so much for that concern. A part of me feels a little guilty that I can walk out of the hospital for a few days while Parker is still unable to get up and walk out himself. Don't worry, a couple of good nights sleep will get me over it.

For then past two days Parker has walked twice a day, and has started sitting in the big chair, trying to get used to being vertical. His equilibrium is all off now, and he gets dizzy quickly. His muscles are weak and he feels like he started two-a-day practices three days ago after a summer of lounging in his pajamas. Meaning he is sore. But! He's alive! Sore = alive and thank you God for that blessing!

The picture is of bluebonnets and indian paintbrush, both native to Texas and abundant in the spring. I put the picture up because it is of a meadow, and my goal in life is to live in a meadow. The picture is a gentle reminder to keep my eye on the prize.....

Austin

Austin is one of the the most popular cities in the country for young, primarily single people. But almost no one who lives here is from here. Most of the nurses and CA's have lived here only a few years. One of the most fun parts of Parker's and my day is talking to them about where they came from and what brought them here.

Isn't it great that there are now moments in our life that are fun???

Most of the people we've made friends with are young, under 32, and are attracted to the climate which offers year round outdoor activities. There is a constant mix of events like relays, river and lake sports, outdoor concerts, BBQ cook offs, Tex Mex contests, Eeyore's Birthday Festival, farmer's markets, bike races, charity walks, and sidewalk art shows that clog the highways even at midnight.

A big draw to Austin is the unique music scene that gave us Willie Nelson, Stevie Ray Vaughan, George Strait, James McMurtry and many more artists whose music is a little left of center. Austin is known as the live music capitol of the world and has its own a cable channel called M.E. that show cases Austin bands and musicians everyday.

As I mentioned before, the Colorado River runs along the southern edge of downtown Austin, but it is called a lake. I still haven't figured that out, but I have to admit it is lovely to drive over that bridge. The city has kept the shores clean and maintains the natural trees and bushes growing along its edge. All over the city businesses boast signs announcing their work at keeping, or reintroducing, the natural flora of the hill country around their buildings to encourage the wildlife to stay put.

Along with the lakes out west of Austin, which are filled with swimmers and boaters almost all year long, the blue skies of TX seem to deepen their hue right over this city, and the sunsets are magnificent. Over Memorial Day Weekend we watched fireworks explode over the "lake" just on the other side of the bright orange UT tower. Even the fireworks display seemed a litte more magnificent than any other I'd seen. Most likely because I couldn't hear the noise, which startles me like a popping balloon.

Parker has made so many friends here in the hospital and even if they are not assigned to his room on a particular day, that doesn't stop them from popping their heads in to say hello and see how he's doing. He's kind of a miracle patient. No one thought he'd make it, and he did. He DID!!! And all his new friends want to be part of his progress. Not to mention he's just a great guy and people are drawn to him. Especially now that he can talk and his personality is coming out again.

He talks about wanting to buy a little house outside of Austin, possibly near Buda, where he can have a yard and a small garden. And he talks about going back to school, finding what he is supposed to be doing. Why he lived. What is his purpose. What can he do with his life going forward that will make a difference. He talks about that a lot.

When this ordeal is over, before I go back to MD, we are having a big party on one of the lakes and we're inviting all the people who have contributed to his getting well. Also we decided that each time I write (starting the next time) I will write a little bit about each of the people who are a part of his day. Each of them have their own stories, sort of like the ponies in The Tugboat Chronicles. We want to be sure we capture their personalities, and a little of their life stories, on this blog as they have played a huge role in the biggest challenge of Parker's life.

John comes today. Parker has no memory if his being here since before he went to ICU. I know this made John sad, but he has to remember, Parker knew at the time he was here and that made all the difference in his recovery. The medications have an amnesia effect on purpose, and there is so much of the last two months Parker doesn't need to remember anyway, it is just as well. But he is eager to see his Dad, and feeling a little emotional about the reunion.

I will be clearing out and spending a few much needed days off at Parker's apartment. I need sleep, but I think it is a luxury for me to be able to step aside for 48 hours when Parker is chained to this disease, to this recovery, and he gets no breaks at all.

I love you Parker, and I miss you James.

Cowboys and Courage

I cried in the aisle of a grocery store today when I picked this card up. This baby could have been Parker 25 years ago. When he was in ICU I sat next to his bed for weeks, staring at him with my heart in my throat, feeling as protective about him as I did when I watched him sleep in his bassinett as an infant.

Parker has lost so much weight, his face has an innocence to it I haven't seen in years. He has a baby face again. The nurses all comment on his long lashes which makes him blush, but I am sure he is secretly pleased. One nurse in particular.

Today was a huge day. Parker's courage continues to astound me. His determination, his will, his strength, his ability to push himself past what he thinks he can do, just a little further, regardless of the pain involved. I am in awe of him.

If you have ever read anything about pancreatitis, you know it is one of the worst types of pain the human body can experience. Every day, every minute, Parker pushes past that. He fights back, mentally throws bricks at the fire inside his belly. Today when we talked about it he said there is a song he thinks about when he feels like giving up, a song that reminds him he has no choice. The alternative is laying in bed and letting this disease eat him up, and he says that is not an option. He will fight, and he will beat it.

Today his white cell count is up a little (from 10.9 to 13) which made my chest tighten to hear. Then this afternoon he has had a very slight temperature to go along with it (99.3 under the armpit which means 100.3 regular). I am borrowing from his courage and trying to remain calm about it. The Critical Care doc wasn't concerned so I will follow Parker's lead and move on.

He Walked!!!

All I want to think about is the look in Parker's eyes when he walked 8 steps across the room and 8 steps back. He moved the walker along with him and we moved IV pole and all other attachments that make up his life right now. I could tell by the look in his eye that those 16 steps represent his taking his life back from the pancreatitis. And that's huge.

I don't want to think about the increase in his white cell count today, or the infection in his bladder, or the fact that he had to back track his diet to only ice chips because of the ileus. I only want to think about that look and the pride he felt in his accomplishment.

Courage

Courage is the resistance of fear, the mastery of fear, not the absence of fear.

I am so impressed with Parker's courage today. More tomorrow, we are exhausted, but I just wanted to write that tonight. SO impressed!

Good night my sweet boys, Parker and James. Good night silly Scout and NAUGHTY girl Peach! No more running away!