I Am Ready, Life

Much has happened over the past week and a half. I was an emotional wreck in the days leading up to my leaving Austin. It is very hard to leave your child behind whom you have just watched practically rise from the dead before your very eyes. But I had done what I could do to help get Parker set up for success in his life going forward, and I knew he was in good hands with Quinn by his side.

Since the day I left Austin I have had a second, diagnostic mammogram; I have attended my brother's wedding in a very interesting Russian ceremony in DC; I have driven my parents home to Bay Head when my father became ill; I received a text message from James that filled me with pride; I spent the weekend digging up papers for my Dad's 2008 taxes to be sent to the accountant; I have taken the train home again, and yesterday went for a stereotactic biopsy because the second mammogram confirmed what the first one suggested. A couple of little problems.

But here is what I want to write about: I was terrified yesterday. I was afraid of the pain, I was afraid of the unknown, I was afraid of the outcome and what I might be facing in the coming months. But while I was laying face down on the table with the doctor talking me through the procedure, a calm came over me that I recognized from those weeks I spent in the ICU waiting room while Parker was critically ill. I thought about Parker's courage, and the constant, horrible pain he endured for so long, and how he faced every step with such strong mental armor, and I was able to use his courage to keep myself calm.

I also thought about the text message James sent me when I was so sad about missing his birthday this past weekend because I had to drive my parents home. James wrote: "Honestly I'm ok, I know u love me and I really do understand and am not hurt at all. Its ok, you've done right by me cuz I still have a brother, and you, not to mention I've learned a lot in past 6 months. I will be around a lot longer than Ninny and Papa will be."

I am so amazed at my boys, so proud of who they have become. We have all learned so much over the past six months. We have a greater understanding of what is truly important, and what doesn't matter. We stand taller these days, stronger, united, with a feeling of peace that sings "que sera, sera" in our ears as we approach each new day.

So come on life, bring it on! I am ready for whatever hand you deal me.