Is This How It Will End?

The stress of this day just might do me in. I was supposed to spend the day at Parker's apartment getting it ready for him to come home. But first thing this morning he called and asked me to come to the rehab hospital. He was throwing up again, couldn't keep anything down, and was frightened. Throwing up is how the whole pancreatitis thing started, so when he throws up a lot, in his mind it is coming back.

I went to the hospital, thinking I would be there for only a few minutes, but he was so wound up, having so much anxiety and stress, he couldn't stop crying, he kept apologizing to everyone who came in the room, saying he didn't know what was wrong.

It's okay to feel this, Parker. It's what you need to be doing right now! Cry! Get it out! This has been such a long, horrific journey, the stress you are experiencing is normal! You don't owe anyone an apology!

So that was Thing #1. He asked me to stay during PT. The original agreement we had was that when he went to rehab I was going to stay away except in the evenings for dinner. I felt it was extremely important for him to work through this stuff without me, for him to learn to care for himself without my being there, especially considering his anxiety over what has transpired over the last four months. I wanted him to know he could pick himself up if he fell into the water.

But he asked me to stay today, to go with him. He was terrified. He started throwing up in PT. The PT Assistant, some bozo with no common sense, said something incredibly stupid to Parker that made him feel like complete dog breath. Our very nice PT person, Elizabeth, told the jerk to go away and shamed him for being so insensitive. I do have to say, as the Mama Bear, it took every bit of composure and restraint I had not to launch myself on the guy and pummel him with both fists. Not very Quaker-like, I know. But you just don't mess with a mother's kid.... It's The Rule!

So Parker gets back from PT and the doctor comes to talk to him about his anxiety. Then she asks to speak to me privately outside. She says she isn't concerned about the pancreatitis coming back, she thinks the throwing up is from anxiety. Then she tells me she wonders if it would be better for him to not have me there all the time to fall back on.

Uh, yes, I explain, I agree with you, that was the original plan. BUT! The psychologist working with him on all this stuff said that if Parker feels he needs me right now, that's where I should be. He said with everything he has been through, his anxiety is valid and normal. So what am I supposed to do? Who do I listen to?

The weird thing is, right when I was ready to move away from all this, when we were in IMC and I was looking forward to spending my days writing or out walking or doing something other than sit by his hospital bed, that is when he started to realize the magnitude of what has happened to him. So he started to panic and wanted me to stay. So what do I do?

Thing #2 was a real blower. I left the hospital to go to his apartment and start getting it ready to be cleaned up and move his bedroom to the one across the living room. When I walked in, there was so much smoke ~ tobacco and otherwise ~ I could barely breathe. Beer cans are falling out of plastic bags all over the house, cigarette ashtrays have fallen on the floor, the cat is walking through them, the kitchen has mold growing in two bowls of old milk and cereal sitting on the counter.... the place was disgusting and stank to high heaven. Or hell is more realistic. One of the roomies is sitting on the couch smoking a joint. Now I really don't care who smokes pot and who doesn't, but the realization of what I was bringing Parker home to hit me in the face pretty hard.

He has an open wound on his belly which will no longer be covered with the wound-vac by the time I bring him home. He also has a trach ~ an open pipe straight to his lungs, and has just recovered from a super serious illness. I went into his bedroom, closed the door and burst into tears. I had no idea what to do. Where was I to take him? How was I to manage this?

I went to the apartment manager guy I met two weeks ago and explained that there was no way I could bring Parker home to a smokers house, and it wasn't fair to ask the current residents to stop smoking. I told him there was no way the hospital would release him under those circumstances. So he worked with the main management people and got him into a two bedroom apartment on the ground floor. It costs more than his current apartment, but it had to be done. I can pick up the keys on Friday morning and move him that day to be ready for his homecoming on Saturday.

Two problems. #1, I can't move him by myself. Especially in 105 degree heat. I am not strong enough to do it.

But problem #2 was the real kick-in-the-stomacher. I called the rehab case manager on my way back and she thinks the insurance company won't even let him stay until Saturday. I explained about the apartment issue, and she said, While we here at the rehab hospital are very concerned about those kinds of things, the insurance company doesn't care.... they don't care if he doesn't have a home to go to, they don't care if he doesn't have anyone to help him, they don't care if he doesn't have a ride home from the hospital. They say that's not their problem!

Wonderful. Super-Duper. So after four months of being critically ill, it comes down to this. I may not have anywhere to take him if he gets out too early! Swell. On top of that, if I took him to a hotel, then who is going to stay with him while I move him myself on Friday?

After pulling myself together, I called Parker. Not to burden him with all this, just to check in on him. He couldn't stop crying again. He thinks he is totally weird for this uncontrollable crying. I am glad he is crying now, he is starting to process this stuff and work through it before we get home. But that doesn't help him.

All he wants is his brother to be here when he gets out of the hospital. To help him through this.

Once I was able to make that magically happen, Parker settled down. I can't say I blame him for wanting James here. I need James's steady hand right now as well. And James will help us get moved on Friday. No matter where Parker is, we'll get that done.

Thank God. And thank you James.

I am going to sleep now. I have to be up at 5:30am to clean out Parker's car so we can do the car transfer test at 8:30 tomorrow morning. Good night. Thanks for listening.