My Boys

I miss my boys.

72 Hours!

I have 72 hours to call my own. Wooo-Hoooo!!! John is here for a few days and is staying at the hospital with Parker. I slept at the room in the League House last night for the first time in almost a month. It was weird and I wasn't sure how to sleep on a real bed anymore.

After checking in this morning and talking to the doctors a bit, I am now at Parker's apartment with big plans between now and Sunday morning. I am going to: research agents; edit some more of the book; sleep through the night THREE TIMES; watch the French Open; have a bubble bath; eat chocolate (oh darn! I forgot the chocolate!!!); visit a friend; sleep some more; edit some more; watch the Belmont for a lot of hours on Saturday afternoon; and with any luck.... NOT worry!

Parker is moving forward with great progress. Little concerns about his edema and the amount that has swollen his abdomen even more, but they gave him a little bit of Lasix yesterday and might again today. The concern is that his blood pressure is up slightly as a result. But I am trying not to think about it.

I had an email from a friend yesterday who told me James had expressed concern for my welfare, for the fact that I live in that hospital room and sleep in the chair and don't eat well. I love him so much for that concern. A part of me feels a little guilty that I can walk out of the hospital for a few days while Parker is still unable to get up and walk out himself. Don't worry, a couple of good nights sleep will get me over it.

For then past two days Parker has walked twice a day, and has started sitting in the big chair, trying to get used to being vertical. His equilibrium is all off now, and he gets dizzy quickly. His muscles are weak and he feels like he started two-a-day practices three days ago after a summer of lounging in his pajamas. Meaning he is sore. But! He's alive! Sore = alive and thank you God for that blessing!

The picture is of bluebonnets and indian paintbrush, both native to Texas and abundant in the spring. I put the picture up because it is of a meadow, and my goal in life is to live in a meadow. The picture is a gentle reminder to keep my eye on the prize.....

Austin

Austin is one of the the most popular cities in the country for young, primarily single people. But almost no one who lives here is from here. Most of the nurses and CA's have lived here only a few years. One of the most fun parts of Parker's and my day is talking to them about where they came from and what brought them here.

Isn't it great that there are now moments in our life that are fun???

Most of the people we've made friends with are young, under 32, and are attracted to the climate which offers year round outdoor activities. There is a constant mix of events like relays, river and lake sports, outdoor concerts, BBQ cook offs, Tex Mex contests, Eeyore's Birthday Festival, farmer's markets, bike races, charity walks, and sidewalk art shows that clog the highways even at midnight.

A big draw to Austin is the unique music scene that gave us Willie Nelson, Stevie Ray Vaughan, George Strait, James McMurtry and many more artists whose music is a little left of center. Austin is known as the live music capitol of the world and has its own a cable channel called M.E. that show cases Austin bands and musicians everyday.

As I mentioned before, the Colorado River runs along the southern edge of downtown Austin, but it is called a lake. I still haven't figured that out, but I have to admit it is lovely to drive over that bridge. The city has kept the shores clean and maintains the natural trees and bushes growing along its edge. All over the city businesses boast signs announcing their work at keeping, or reintroducing, the natural flora of the hill country around their buildings to encourage the wildlife to stay put.

Along with the lakes out west of Austin, which are filled with swimmers and boaters almost all year long, the blue skies of TX seem to deepen their hue right over this city, and the sunsets are magnificent. Over Memorial Day Weekend we watched fireworks explode over the "lake" just on the other side of the bright orange UT tower. Even the fireworks display seemed a litte more magnificent than any other I'd seen. Most likely because I couldn't hear the noise, which startles me like a popping balloon.

Parker has made so many friends here in the hospital and even if they are not assigned to his room on a particular day, that doesn't stop them from popping their heads in to say hello and see how he's doing. He's kind of a miracle patient. No one thought he'd make it, and he did. He DID!!! And all his new friends want to be part of his progress. Not to mention he's just a great guy and people are drawn to him. Especially now that he can talk and his personality is coming out again.

He talks about wanting to buy a little house outside of Austin, possibly near Buda, where he can have a yard and a small garden. And he talks about going back to school, finding what he is supposed to be doing. Why he lived. What is his purpose. What can he do with his life going forward that will make a difference. He talks about that a lot.

When this ordeal is over, before I go back to MD, we are having a big party on one of the lakes and we're inviting all the people who have contributed to his getting well. Also we decided that each time I write (starting the next time) I will write a little bit about each of the people who are a part of his day. Each of them have their own stories, sort of like the ponies in The Tugboat Chronicles. We want to be sure we capture their personalities, and a little of their life stories, on this blog as they have played a huge role in the biggest challenge of Parker's life.

John comes today. Parker has no memory if his being here since before he went to ICU. I know this made John sad, but he has to remember, Parker knew at the time he was here and that made all the difference in his recovery. The medications have an amnesia effect on purpose, and there is so much of the last two months Parker doesn't need to remember anyway, it is just as well. But he is eager to see his Dad, and feeling a little emotional about the reunion.

I will be clearing out and spending a few much needed days off at Parker's apartment. I need sleep, but I think it is a luxury for me to be able to step aside for 48 hours when Parker is chained to this disease, to this recovery, and he gets no breaks at all.

I love you Parker, and I miss you James.

Courage

Courage is the resistance of fear, the mastery of fear, not the absence of fear.

I am so impressed with Parker's courage today. More tomorrow, we are exhausted, but I just wanted to write that tonight. SO impressed!

Good night my sweet boys, Parker and James. Good night silly Scout and NAUGHTY girl Peach! No more running away!

Pep Talks

Before Parker moved to Austin, he, James and I were a pretty tight knit threesome. Like close friends, as well as family. We went everywhere together as a unit. Movies, dinners out, dinners in, Sundays in the fall spent watching football, vacations, trips to the book store. We were pretty tight. So when Parker made the decision to move to Austin, we all knew it was the right thing, but we also knew it would be hard.

His leaving was a lot harder for me than I anticipated. The morning he was to leave, to drive the 2,000 miles to Austin with James by his side, I stood next to his Explorer saying my last goodbyes, trying to pretend it was all okay, that my insides weren't crumbling.

It was pretty emotional for all of us, and there was a fleeting moment when I thought he might change his mind. It lasted as long as two breaths, then he said, I have to go now or I won't leave. With those words, he pushed past the emotions that were going to hold him back, put his foot to the gas pedal and squealed out of the parking lot. The green Explorer looked like it tipped a little to the side when he went around the turn and out of sight.

Yesterday, Saturday, I reminded Parker of that moment when he mentally got stuck in Park. We'd had one good day, really good day, this week (until the stupid exray people dropped him off the table!) but we needed more. I coached him into looking at the big picture, not thinking of the painful moment he was in, not allowing himself to think he couldn't do what was on our plan for the day.

Pain is such a huge part of Parker's days and nights there are many times when he tells me he can't do it anymore. I think I am like a person helping someone give birth. I'm going to take a lot of abuse because of his pain, but my job is to help keep him focused on the positive, or on the big picture. Only this labor is nearing its three month mark. He has been in this pain for three months now!

So yesterday I "coached" him out of his paralysis and mid-morning he sat up, then stood up, then was able to sit on the portable commode for the first time. It was a huge moment, such a relief for him to feel he was making progress in taking back control over his body again. He was a real champion. He didn't think he could do it, but he listened to me and pushed his foot on that accelerator and roared out of the parking lot.

I was so proud of him.

The photo above is of a piece of artwork that really belongs in the Museum of Modern Art, but we are lucky enough to have it hanging in Parker's room. It is a cartoon my Dad spent hours, days, working on for Parker. It brought a huge smile to his face when I was finally able to show it to him yesterday, and he has asked for it to be framed when he is better. For now he wants it hung in his room where he can see it because it reminds him of all the funny-crazy things his grandfather has done throughout his life. And that makes him smile. :-)

Saturday to Remember

What a blessing. To sit with my son on a Saturday in May and talk all day. To hear him laugh at Comedy Central. To see him eat a spoonful of soup. To hear him discover his spiritual awakening. To know that God has worked His magic and that my son is still alive, after all the odds were stacked against him. To look out the same window and watch the lightening tear across the sky, and see the rain clouds in the distance. To help him do his physical therapy exercises so maybe tomorrow he can try to stand up again. To hear one of the doctors, who we haven't seen since we went down to ICU, proclaim it really is surprising everything Parker came through. It has been an amazing day.

Parker asked me to begin reading this blog to him. So today I read just past the day of the surgery when the anesthesiologist told me he wouldn't be responsible for Parker having cardiac arrest on the operating room table because his heart rate was so high. I couldn't get any further than that. Reading from April 13th to the 26th wore me out. Parker and I both cried like babies. It certainly gave him a better perspective of what he came through, and of the miracle that he is still living. We've heard it enough times now, from nurses, from doctors, from everyone who knows Parker's story, that we get it. He came through incredible odds. He made it.

When I read to Parker the posting about James getting here on that most horrible of days, and how hard it was for James, how heart wrenching to watch him be so brave and strong, and then fall apart in the hallway, as I requested, Parker cried the hardest. He marveled at the change in his brother, in his maturity, his sensitivity, his dedication and his love.

I am so lucky to have these two boys.

Good night sweet boys. I love you.

It Happened

I am at the room, taking a break while James and his brother hang out. James has to leave tomorrow. My phone rang and my heart jumped when the caller I'd said: J. Parker Steveson.

Hey Mom, it's me, Parker. Just checking in!

Thank you God! Thank you St. Jude, thank you doctors and nurses and friends and family who have all prayed to get my son to this point. I just have to say it again. One more time.

Hey Mom, it's me, Parker. Just checking in!

So Spoiled

I am feeling so spoiled today. After two months of sitting all day, every day in a dark hospital room, watching the flashing neon numbers that tell me if Parker's heart rate is going up, or blood pressure is going down, or heart rhythm is mis-firing, or temperature is going up..... I am taking the afternoon off.

It's a little scary. James is here (can I tell you how incredible it feels to have someone else here with me?) and is going to spend the afternoon sitting with his brother so they can talk. When James left to go back to MD to take his final exams, Parker had been unconscious for almost three weeks, so Parker doesn't remember that he was here.

Well, let me rephrase that. Parker KNEW at the time his brother was here, and I know without a shadow of doubt that his hearing James' voice that horrible night, knowing he was here, made a difference, helped Parker turn a corner. On that first night they told me we were losing him. But depending on when you ask Parker if he remembers James being here, you will get a different answer. It depends on how much medication Parker has had when you ask him. Not how much he'd been on before.

Anyway, so James is going to go sit with him, Parker will put his new passea ver valve over his trach tube so he can talk to James (even though he says it makes him sound like an old lady) and James can catch Parker up on all the news about the Cowboys, the movies that have come out over the past two months that they would like to see together, and all the other things that are particular to their relationship as brothers who love each other so much.

And me? I am heating up the Vidalia Onion Dip my good friend Meridy sent me, and I am going to eat it with Lime Tortilla Chips while I watch BOTH Rolex and the Preakness on tv and soak my feet in the hot water foot spa my Mom just sent me (with a whole lot of chocolate in the box, too!)

Can't quite beat that for a rainy Austin afternoon off, can you???