If You Don't Like Babble.....

Parker's 4th surgery is this morning at 10:30 TX time. For whatever reason, I am particularly nervous about this one and feel the need to babble .... not sure if that is spelled right. But if you don't want to read random thoughts and feelings, skip this chapter.

I stole that line from Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farms in which there is a chapter titled, "If You Don't Like Conversation Skip This Chapter." It was the title in that book, and the whole of Black Beauty that made me know I would always want to be a novelist. I'm not yet, but I'm working on it.

Parker had a restless night. His nurse was a very cute, VERY young girl who smacked gum and said "crap" and "sucks" in every sentence. But she had a good heart and knew I was nervous and wanted to help me. Can't fault her for that. I would have thought when Parker woke up during the night and saw this adorable Barbie-Doll blond girl hanging over his face he would have been happy as a clam and fallen back to sleep. But he still fights that breathing tube and broke through two of the bite bars they put into his mouth to keep him from doing that. Naughty boy.

(Side note: There are a group of interns sitting behind me studying. Based on their conversations, I think they must work in the Critical Care Surgical Unit. One of them just said, I don't know, I woke up today and just felt it was going to be a good day. Another replied, Me too! I have a good feeling about today, too! I want them in with Parker when he goes for surgery.)

My sister sends me daily Words of Wisdom to keep me focused on something positive. Last night she wrote, Judge your success by the degree that you're enjoying peace, health and love.

In the love part I am apparently quite successful. The out pouring of love and concern and prayer and positive energy and good thoughts and gifts continues to astound me. So much more so than I ever imagined. I knew I had friends, don't get me wrong, but what I didn't expect or could have predicted was how supportive they would be, and how genuine I know their concern is. Most of them know Parker, and know him to be a caring, loving Gentle Giant. They are praying and sending positive energy (which are one in the same, in case you didn't know) his way. KEEP IT COMING TODAY!!! We're not done yet!

In the health department I am not as successful, but not unsuccessful either. I have some things to work on, and this experience has proven to me how important our health is. It is NOT something to be taken for granted. I'm setting goals for myself.

In the peace department .... hmmm, not sure what to say. I feel at peace with many things in my life. I feel at peace with my relationship with both my parents. I know my father is ill, but we have spent some very important moments together over the past year talking about the things that matter. He knows how I feel, he knows the influence he has had on my life, and he knows his legacy will live on in the gentle things he taught me.

My mother's and my relationship has always been more complicated ~ typical of a mother and daughter. But through this experience with Parker I have learned a lot about my mother, and why she does the things she does. I have also seen the courage in her that I don't think even she was aware of, courage that kept her from calling me thirty times a day, courage to understand that I needed time and space to deal with this without her hovering. Courage to give me what I needed most, which was her quiet love and support from 2000 miles away. And the tremendous courage to not turn to something that would numb her pain, because she knew she needed to be here for me.

So in those two very significant relationships I am at peace. But I cannot say I am at peace with the thought of losing Parker. Can we ever be at peace with that? I am at peace with the knowledge I have put him into God's hands. That is where Parker is the safest. Thy will be done..... Once again, God, can your will please be the same as mine?

Yesterday I met a 95 year old woman who lives in Charlottesville, VA. Her son is a Volunteer in this ICU waiting room. He used to live with his wife in Woodmoor, the quiet subdivision right behind the florist where I work in MD. In fact, he was one of my customers before he and his wife moved down here about 8 years ago. His wife died in this hospital and since then he has come every week to volunteer his time, to give back. It has been on my mind, how can I give back when this is over? I am sure God will show me the way.

Anyway, so the 95 year old woman was sharp as a whip. She was waiting to take her son to lunch, and was reading a book on Mayan spirituality. It was written in the Mayan language, the name of which she allowed to roll off her tongue in the most lovely way. Her husband, who is deceased, was an artist. They lived all over the world, had such very interesting experiences. Her son, the volunteer, is retired from U of MD, now teaches through U of MD University College, the online college. He teaches science. He also lectures at UT. I really wanted to introduce him to James, but they left before James came back.

The 95 year old mother gave me her contact information. I am going to take her to see the new educational wing at Monticello, which they are just opening up, when I get home and life returns to normal. "Normal," by the way, has been redefined.

Parker's surgery is in a few hours. Please continue to pray. This feels like the last big hurdle, but probably the biggest of them all.

I love you Parker.

P.S. The photo is of what we now refer to as The Steveson Wing in the ICU Waiting Room. This is where we eat, sleep, and wait.