On My Own

Let me start by saying how touched and moved and comforted I am by the generosity and kindness of others. Someday, WHEN Parker can hear and understand what I say, I will tell him how the spirit of friendship and love has lifted me up, so many times, and made it possible for me to stay here with him. There is no other option for me, I will not leave his side. But a little of the burden has been lifted and for that I am so grateful.

When I leave the ICU waiting room there are two hallways and three turns to make before getting to his room. There is a certain point that I reach, each time I walk down those halls, where my heart starts racing and I listen more intently. I am listening for the sound of crisis. The sound those machines make that start a heart back up. Or the sound of nurses speaking quietly but with an urgency that means whomever is in that room is in trouble.

I always made John go first. But John had to leave today, so I went down that hallway alone. I know it was infinitely harder for John to leave than it was for me to walk alone.

The first time I went the nurses were hovering over Parker. Nurse John looked up and said they were taking out the central line. I can't bear to see Parker struggle against the ventilator when he starts to wake up, and the nurses know this, so he suggested I come back in ten minutes.

I waited twenty. Just in case. I know stress plays a huge role in someone's health and recovery. The last thing I want is to add more stress in his room, so I am very, very careful to try to calm myself from the very center of my being before going in.

It was good news when I went back. Good news in that not much has changed. He's been breathing on his own for about 6 hours now. His breathing is very labored, so they will turn the ventilator on from 7-9 to let his body rest. It is very difficult to start your lungs up again once they are used to the ventilator, which is why he will get a trach tube the end of the week if he isn't off it yet.

His temp was still hovering around 100. They drew more blood to see if the transfusion they gave him yesterday helped. His blood pressure was good, his heart rate still high in the 120's but that is good for him. His HR hasn't been under 106 since this started and that was only once for about 15 minutes. He had already pulled out the tube coming from the left side of his body, so the tube coming from the middle and the one on the right are now sealed to his skin with saran wrap looking stuff. They just took out the central line (did I already say that?) so his neck is really red. But he felt serene, even with the labored breathing. He seemed peaceful, like he knew that is his job right now.

It is a gorgeous day today. I forced myself to leave and run a couple of errands for essentials and it did wonders for my mind. The sun is shining, there is a lovely breeze, it is about 70 degrees with the blue skies you only see in TX. Parker would love to be outside on a day like today. His boss said when Parker gets well he wants to give him his first set of golf clubs and teach him how to play.

Get well Parker! It's time now please!!!